crematedsoul

I've been in an extremely pensive mood today. It's been a while since I have been. It seems I have been feeling a lot better lately, and I really haven't even noticed until now. I've been working a lot, but this past week has sort of been a break from all of the working. I got drunk for the first time in an incredibly long time about a week or two ago. And a few times since then. Jade was stolen, by my aunt/uncle/w.e the fuck she wants to be and her girlfriend, but about 3 weeks later I got Jade back.. :) Im going out with a guy named Jesse now. He was one of Skyes friends, and then me and him started talking a lot. We started really talking one week a while ago when he was really depressed, he's normally a really down to earth happy guy, and I guess he tried talking to Skye but she told him to talk to me. I found out about his past, which was so scary, it was like an identical match to Mikes, that scared me, but he's such a completely different person. That scares me too though, because thats what I thought of Mike at first.. but there are a lot of things that are different, he's not totally secluding himself from everyone, everyone likes him, mike was always talking about damaging something or someone, jesse though, he could be ahippy, lol, he's a 'peace loving kind of guy'. He's not incredibly jealous of me simply talking to someone else. The best part of it for me, is he knows and understands, and he's making sure things go slow with us. I'm not sure if its for him or for me, but the pace at which its going is perfect. I get along with his friends great too, and that just makes it all so much better for me. They're all great guys. My last two realtionships happened at a really bad time for me, they didnt have a chance, and I really didnt care I dont think. I iwsh it hadnt been that way but it was. This time, I really hope things work.. this could be something I dont wanna miss. Anyways Fathers Day wasthis past Sunday. My first Fathers Day without a father.. I guess I didnt really think about it though. Maybe I should have done something for Fred, he's been great for my mom and even me and Skye a few times, he IS living here now too, but somehow that wouldve been betraying my dad. But I guess me not giving any thought towards him on fathers day was just as bad? *sigh* Anyways, I think Im gonna go for a job at Evergreen Nursing Home. Jesse's mom told me about it, it wouldnt be me taking care of patients just keeping the place together, but it could be a step towards what I'm goin for. Probably better than McDs. The only thing is it's so far out there. Without being able to drive Im not sure how I could get the job, mom deff couldnt take me all the way out there all the time. She just bought a business too and she wants me to work there. I dont know what Im goin to do, I guess atleast I have options. So, for now, lifes not goin too bad. Im optimistic right now. Things are gonna be ok.. Im gonna be ok.

Tonight Skye went to Dustins house with her friend Jackie and then Doug and Mike. Well her and Mike have this little romance budding.. but he's 16 much more experienced, shes 13, not at all experienced.. when she got home she was telling me how she was upset cuz she told Mike she didnt want to make out and crap but he still wouldnt give up.. she couldnt understand how he could sound so sweet yet be so pushy, and she was just really upset.. but I was thinking about something while she was telling me this.. all these years i've been the older sister, she's looked up to me, come to me with her questions and her problems, ive been the wiser one, thats just how it is.. but for the first time EVER, i felt like she was the wiser one.. no matter how much of a sweet talker he has been, she still wouldnt just give in to him. I never thought she'd be the wiser one, ESPECIALLY when it came to things like this.. lately, however, i've been realizing just how unwise I really am. For once, I switched roles with her, and she taught me something..

I don't want to be told that I'm being punished for my own good, or that I'm being stupid and making bad choices.. I want someone to tell me that they understand why I am making the choices I am, that they understand how I feel and maybe Im not making the right choices, and maybe they're not okay, but they're understandable, and furthermore, fixable. But I suppose for that to happen, I'd have to trust someone enough to open up to them.. which just isnt going to happen. I need someone to stop me, to hold me accountable without destroying everything good i've accomplished, I can't do it myself. But no one else is willing to either, but that's aright, I'm okay with self destruction, cuz someday, i'll be ok.

Ive been wrokin my ass off, it sucks.. I work the grill and Im suddenly breaking out like crazy it sucks.. hopefully I only got grill cuz Im new, I hate it. Guess who started workin today.... BRIAN... omg I started laughing when I saw him, I tried to call yvette on my break but she was prolly at james.. haha. Anywho snuck out on Friday or Sat cant rmbr which, it was gay. me and yvette and skye picked up mike and went to codeys, yeh it was gay. I had a dream lastnight that my 3 exs got together and plotted my murder... it was fuckin crazy... :( and i told skye and she pointed out that each of their names has the first letter of my initials.. c (codey) m (mike) t (tyler) crazy eh? welp im tired ill write more details on my loverly life later.. im tired.

Is it possible that things just very well may NOT get better.. ever? As I was shutting down my comp at like midnight to go to bed skye came in the room, "mom told me to tell you the doctor just called and told her to get Fred into the ER ASAP" Now I'm up waiting to hear from them.. heh. ..life.

How can one person make so many mistakes in so short a time, and not even realize how bad they all were until after the damage hs been done? More importantly, how could I let myself become that person?
And how do I make it better? I really don't think I can. Gaining lost trust is like finding a needle in a haystack, and I dont blame someone for not wanting to talk to me see me or anything ever again. But I cant take it back no matter how goddam much i want to. I've lost trust and respect, all through one thoughtless act. Ive lost respect for myself. I've lost Skyes respect and for some reason, that part hurts the most. Every other aspect hurts really bad too, but wow that just brings me to tears. I cant believe Im letting myself become this low of a person. I HAD respect for myself despite everything because I knew I was somuch stronger for it, but this, was just, uncalled for, stupid, and not even close to being worth it. fuck.. if only i could turn back time

Goo Goo Dolls - Iris

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cuz sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am


..heh

I woke up at like 2:30 today.. I kept waking up before that but it was another one of those days where it was just too damn depressing to get up.. I couldn't do it. Anyways I had some half kickass half scarier than shit dreams. The first one was like dawn of the dead/28 days later, damn that was fucking SCARY, but it was one of my more exciting dreams, then it kinda went into a whole nother (is nother a word??) dream but it was still the same one, and it was like Amityville Horror-ish. Not as scary as the first but still damn badass! I wish I could have them again cuz even though they were scary they were freakin awesome, ya know? Anywho nothing much has happened today, it was damn hot so I attempted to put up my ceiling fan, but as I was unpacking it I was like shit I dono bout all this electrical crap, so I put it all back. Talked to Yvette for a few, she said it was DAMN busy at mickey d's today, most likely cuz of all the people that came for the races, that I missed. :( Then I drew a pic of her.. I dono whether or not its good but it looks more like her than the one I drew of Skye looked like Skye. if that makes sense.. Im glad I have all my pics on the comp cuz I couldn't freaking find the actual pics she gave me.. which made me think, I better start backin up my millions of pics on a cd or somethin, cuz what about when this comp goes down... *gulp* bye bye pics.. well im bored now waiting for someone to strike up a convo with me, but its not happenin, so I guess im off to go beg my sick mother to take me to the damn DMV tomorrow.. most likely with no luck, heh. later..

Today was alright. Went to the nugget with tyler and yvette.. I thought like all of tylers friends were gonna be there so I invited Yvette, then it turned out to be just us 3. I had soooooooo much energy at the nugget, it was damn crazy! I just had this urge to be loud, out there, and I really felt like causing trouble or destroying something beautiful (fight club!!) So I was havin fun. We were waitin for my mom to bring me some cash. Tyler had these tickets or somethin for a free buffet, only he thought it applied at the cafe too, but when we got in there, we found out it was good for a doughnut or somethin, I dont even know. So we had a drink or two (LEMONADE) and left. Then we went to T-Town and visited Chris for Yvettes sake. I took a beautiful picture with the man-dummy sittin on the pot in the outhouse.. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Met my mom and then... all my energy, GONE. ohh wait i almost ran right into a security guard when i randomly decided to run outta the doors. thats when i lost my energy. Then we went to cafe 160, mobile gas station, w/e you call it. Saw codey and jessica leavitt, got food.. mmmm. On the way home saw the worst traffic padump has ever seen! (Races tomorrow) went home saw fireworks, found out sonya thinks i have access to X.. hah i freakin WISH. hmmm, watched some gAy mr rodgers neighborhood or w/e... there was no bob dog so it just sucked ass. watched wonder showzen like 3 times. then yvettes dad called and it was like 11 and she was sposed to be home at 8!!!!! she didnt tell me !! UGH.. so now shes in trouble with dad and my reputaion with him is growing increasingly worse. Plus now my mom likes her that much less.. which isnt good either. So tyler took yvette home and now im alone. saw codey online attempted to talk to him but i guess hes pretty mad at me right now.. understandable. I freakin BEGGED my mom to take me for my license today.. and she refused.. so im screwed, nothings changing. impulse control tomorrow.. for now, its bedtime.

Well what newness has graced my day today? Not much of anything really.. but I shall write about it anyways. WAIT I'll start with what I didnt finish yesterday, Tyler came over, at like 5th pd or somethin I just dont even remember, but anyways he left just in time to catch 8th pd.. now what on EARTH could we have been doing for a whole 3 PDS?!?! Ohhhhh geez I wonder.. all I can say is he needs to wash the spiderman hankie, muahahaha... dono where that came from. ooomph i was just messin around with jade and now i got some damn bad allergies, ahhhhhhhhhhhh. ok so what else? I'm in a semi good mood today.. tis good. ok so today tyler chris rachael and jason come wake me up, tyler wouldnt even lay down he just insisted i get up, asshole, lol, jp. It was kewl. So chris was bitchin about somethin in my room, and then I found out he was bitchin cuz Yvette didnt come with them, and THEN today I was talkin to Yvette and Rachael thinks Yvette should go out with chris AND yvette likes him, holy wow, he does kinda match her bf type though I mean hes got the glasses and and all the other requirements for her, its amusing, I told Tyler his other buddies were gonna get gfs and then theyd never see eachother and its halfway happenin, cuz we're girls, and evil like that, but i dono cuz me and rachael and yvette are all friends so it might work in a damn cool way. weird how that shit works me and yvette were actually talkin bout that yesterday though like how we need a 'crew' again cuz lifes just damn boring without it. Things were NEVER dull when it was her brian codey and me, and I freakin miss that shit, so maybe it could happen again, just this time with non-druggie peoples, ahhh we shall see. I still hate being outta school though cuz I'm talkin to people and obviously missing a lot.. it saddens me. I was on the phone with yvette and codey and man i am missing a lot.. not to mention the things i must be missin at school with tyler, and wholly jesus EVERYONE. I just realized I've been typin a whole lot of nothingness, so I'll finish what I was sayin and that'll be that, right? ok.. sooo, my messenger sn was 'i wanna FUCK my way to the garden, cuz everyone, needs, a mother-FUCKER' for those of you who have beenb living in the stone age its system of a downs suite pee... anywho my mom got on messenger on the other comp for the first time in like 9274793794 years, and im'd me sayin i needed to cleanup my name, only she didnt know it was me, so i told her i was some guy named adrian and told her she was being sensitive and asked her if she was a 3rd grader, and well i wont write anything else about it but it was damn funny. and then codey called me and we talked about a whole lot of nothing, and sammy dee, the guys name WAS sammy dee and im gonna freakin prove it.. anyways he hung up on me, and i never bothered to call back, so that was that. twas funny tho, he was talkin bout the one time my mom broke down the door while we were in my old room, and then my mom blamed it on me, hahaha, and then i told him bout the heater thing with me and tyler and he already heard bout it... weird.. im listenin to xtremem radio now... sense when did they start bleepin things? and why masturbation?!?!?! wtf is that?? me and skye got into a food fight, was damn fun.. and i found out tyler got into an accident, haha, thats funny, atleast it wasnt like on the highway or somethin omg thatd suck ass. my mom wantsa get rid of jade and sparkles, but she left the 'advertising' to me so im just gonna say i did post soemthin and no one ever replied.. cuz yvette threw a fir when she heard we were gettin rid of sparkles and jade, shes like all i have left, omg! shes MY dog and i dont care if shes a damn pain in the ass i love her. do any of the WHOLE 5 people who may possibly read this want a kitten? you know you do.. maybe 6?? yup you know you do.. i feel like im issing something big.. what is it?? OHHHHHH after the peoples left my house rachael and jason came back, and borrowed skyes room, and i lent rachael a condom, actually i gave it to her cuz i dont want it back... god, but yeh it was amusing as well, and i finishred my 'school' work. CONDOMS............ YUM.. she bitched at me cuz tyler was bein a dick to her and she was like 'you need to hurry up and have sex with him so he stops bein a bitch' that was amusing as well.. HOLY JESUS PAUL OAKENFOLD IS COMIN TO VEGAS... and you know what tyler, i like paul oakenfold so HUSH.. haha. I wonder if ebay sells pets.. i think im gonna look that up thats funny. i should be done with this post cuz its just a whole lot of nothingness and im still rambling... JEEZ. ONE more thing, i had a dream i beat a girl from NH up and then blew up the church, it was good, and now im leaving... WOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO for good moods...

Staind- Just Go

I’m kinda numb
It’s so distorted
You left me here with this damage that you’ve caused
My tortured faces
These fucked up places
In my memories none of them I’ve lost, but...

I haven’t been here long enough to know
Everytime I feel this I just lose control
Such a cancer on the face of everything that’s beautiful
I wish that this would just go, go.

It’s kinda sick
I feel so dirty
I’m kinda tragic, kinda insecure
But I know that I’m the only
One that can fix whatever’s wrong I’m sure, but...

I haven’t been here long enough to know
Everytime I feel this I just lose control
Such a cancer on the face of everything that’s beautiful
I wish that this would just go, go.

I feel so alone
From all I’ve become
I’ll take you down
I’ll feel so down
I’m water while you drown
You’re lifted while I’m down
I’m cancer in your womb
I’m the needle in your spoon, but...

I haven’t been here long enough to know
Everytime I feel this I just lose control
Such a cancer on the face of everything that’s beautiful
I wish that this would just go, go.

Just
Just
Just
Just go
Go
Go

All these fucking lies, lies, lies
All your fucking lies, lies, lies

I just got done lecturing my lil sis bout love... *shiver* ok, but its not ALL bad, right? I mean I just happened to have a bad first experience, okay the worst possible first experience.. but still. Love isn't just something you say cuz you're goin out with someone, goin out leads up to that, I mean its not just something you say, its the strongest feeling that develops.. kinda like sex, its all good and fun but you're leading up to orgasm, which is the strongest feeling.. interesting analogy coady.. god. Ahhh, I hate it. Only Im not exactly in the position to be hating love right now, it's really unfair to Tyler for me to be totally turned off to that possibility. Ugh, how do you get over the fear of love? Thats pretty bad.. maybe I shouldn't be lecturing Skye on stuff that I'm not even sure about.. Oy, I'm gonna figure this one out later..

OMG hes fucking AWESOME! I totally forgot everything I was gonna write in here... other than that! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's funny how things can sometimes happen at the exact moment that you need them to happen most. Makes things a little more bearable. I just thought that was something I should have in here..

you know what i hate...? when i type a long list of things i hate and i get disconnected just as im 'posting' it and i lose the whole thing..

im really tired.. lastnight i watched pulp fiction twice, so i didnt go to bed till like 3:30, and then i got up at like 7. Thats the least amount of rest ive gotten in a long time.. it almost feels good to feel worn out again lol. Means I've been doin somethin other than lyin around. I went to a job referring thingie place today.. its kinda unprofessional there, and i have a bad feeling about the place.. it seems unprofessional but at the same time they have some good deals that are honestly almost too good to be true, i mean the tests i took were written for freaking fourth graders, i only missed one on the math and got all of um on the writing test.. even my moms tryin it out.. i guess we'll see what hapens but im stayin alert for now. Well, the other night my mom sat me my sis and fred(her bf) down and we talked about fred moving in.. so in july, hes movin in with us.. i should probably care more but ive never really cared much when it came to my moma nd fred and hes here most of the time anyways, so no big deal i guess.. well nothing else is really new i just wanted to write about the job place so that when i get screwed over i can look at this and tell myself i should've listened to me.. heh..

The one I forced myself to do today, it's just a hand holding a pill..


And the one I did the day I got expelled..



As you can see I have an obsession with hands.. eh, whatever. they're not that good but there they are.

Im soooo goddamn bored! My mom still has NOT called about my school work and Im still license-less therefore jobless... im slowly going INSANE!
*sigh*
so I forced myself to draw a good picture. It took me a while cuz I kept messing up but I was like GODDAMMIT I KNOW IM NOT THAT BAD IM GONNA DO THIS .. lol.. and I drew a hand holding a pill heh heh.. im gonna celebrate cuz thats my best damn work in a while haha.. damn why do I have to suck so much? Ahh well, Im proud of me for now. My walls are so bare.. ideas ideas..

Anyways, Emma one of our young cocker spaniels is gone. She was sposed to be Skyes pup, but she had attitude & I loved that dog.. I took Jade (my pup) and we looked for her across the street in the fucking wilderness for like 2 hours, in the rain. Jade was shaking so bad when we went back home, I wonder what happened to Emma.. she prolly got caught by some coyotes. Skye was like "I dont wanna lose another dog" cuz Mitzi was hers too.. then she got hit last sept. Ahh well tis life. Im gonna miss that dog tho, even though she shit and pist everywhere.. lol.

Welp, I'm bored, and have no plans for anything soon... I think Im gonna die... omg im going insane.. why do I not have a life?!?

okay.. im getting a little annoyed with my ability to be totally talentless lately, if that made any sense.. basically i cant write or draw anymore i lost my damn imagination!! When mike and me were together i wrote so many good poems, and no they werent all about love and hate and shit. I could write about anything and it was good, ever since we broke up im fucking talentless and its starting to get to me.. shit lastnight i sat down and tried sooo hard to write something good.. nothing, before i didnt even have to try it just came. I had a little burst of creativity the day i got expelled and drew a freakin awesome picture.. but well, nothing since. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! Ive been going through and reading all my old poems, they're so good.. why cant i write anymore? My arts not bad at all either, but can I draw lately?? hell no! wtf? Im a -poop looser- dammit..
Anyways just for the hell of it.. someone will be turning 19 in 4 days.. and i happen to have a lovely birthday poem that i wrote a few years ago, not for him of course, it was for his lovely admirer, my 'best *COUGH* friend' heh.. if i post it though i might get arrested for premeditated murder or somethin.. to post or not to post.. eh maybe later i dont feel like typin it now...

on another note..

Yvette if you ever run across this, IM SORRY, I sincerely am.. I never wanted to get you involved in the 'drug scene'. I was goin down and I needed someone, anyone, and you were there, but I never wanted to drag you down with me.. now you're wrapped up in all the shit and Im sorry.. you said today that no one was there, no one warned you, and no one understands.. im sorry i should have warned you instead of introducing the shit to you, but believe me i DO understand.. anyways.. im sorry, now I just gotta say this to your face.
*sigh* I suck, a lot.

Ive had the flu for like 3 days now, and it really sucks. Yvette called today, she wanted to spend the night here but that somehow never happened. In Hawthorne I read the Amityville Horror, and ever since then Ive wanted to see the movie, and guess what I just saw.. a trailer for a remake of the original movie. I watched Dr. Phil today and they had this girl on there that was 17, she was beautiful, blonde, porbably one of the more well known chicks in her school.. well she had breast cancer, they caught it early though and she had a masectomy (sp?) on one breast. Now I feel bad for the girl, dont get me wrong, but it bothered me when I heard her say "Its hard to see your friends wear tight, low, cute shirts when i cant." I was like omfg, please say your joking. I mean, this girl had her WHOLE family completely supporting her its not like someone died or a part of her died, she's gonna be ok.. and it couldve been worse she could have lost both breasts, she could've caught it later and lost her LIFE.. ugh. Now the girl they showed after her, that's someone who's been through some crap.. she saw her dad kill two of her younger siblings, and he made her and her other siblings bury them. Her mom was already in jail. Her dad got locked up, and then they wanted to separate her from two of her siblings and she fought to keep them, she was 11, and the oldest, when this crap happened. Now unlike this poor traumatized blonde girl they had before her, she had NO ONE, she HAD to step up to the plate and do something. That's the kind of person I completely respect.
Anyways, my mom wants to prove Fred wrong, he doesnt think she can use a sawzall. So tomorrow shes getting up and shes gonna do some work with one next door, if she can figure out how to put the blade in. Now I honestly didnt know what a sawzall was until tonight, but to me putting a blade in sounds like it should be a fairly simple task.. either way she had me look it up online. I haven't found any instructions, lol, but Im sure its not that hard, we can prolly figure it out tomorrow. .. seems like ive learned more since i got expelled than when i was in school.. life, such a strange thing..